


Sir, you have a message from Captain Rogers.

by fakesheep-luna (octavaluna)



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Relationship Developement, Sexual Humor, Steve is gonna have a heart attack one day, Steve is not an innocent crayon, Tony and Bucky are crazy af and perfect for each other, mentions of crustaceans, mentions of threesomes and moresomes, mentions of various kinks, whoever said married life was boring...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 14:08:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6287671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octavaluna/pseuds/fakesheep-luna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>101 messages Steve Rogers relied to Tony and Bucky through JARVIS.</p><p>He just wishes they didn't feature strippers so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sir, you have a message from Captain Rogers.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Brotherly Messages](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1106001) by [alexdamien](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexdamien/pseuds/alexdamien). 



> So I read this genius fic where Germany left phone messages to Prussia over the phone, and instantly though "Why not Steve leaving them for Tony and Bucky?"
> 
> And so the most stupid thing I ever wrote was born!!!  
> *tadaaaaaaaa!!!!*

1-  
Tony, I’m grateful to you for letting Bucky stay here, and for sending him a welcome gift, but were the strippers really necessary?  
Hold on… nevermind, he’s having a stellar time

 

2-  
Just so you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what happens in Atlantic City ends up all over the international news and in lawsuits flying like missiles towards the Avengers.

 

3-  
Tony, tell Bucky that I know he’s hiding on your floor and if he doesn’t come out before dawn I’ll hunt him down and use his own hands to blind him.

 

4-  
I just found out there’s a medieval style torture dungeon on the hundred and eighth floor.

   
5-  
Tony, about that guy that was a dick to you… you know the Russian Omelet is not a dish, right? WHERE THE HELL IS BUCKY???

 

6-  
Tony, Bucky’s baking you a “sorry I drew a dick on your face with permanent marker” cake. I’m just warning you because he’s not a very good baker. Run.

 

7-  
Bucky leave Tony alone and clear out all these strippers from our floor.

 

8-  
Tony, I know this is something I should probably tell you in person, but we all have been busy lately. I’m really grateful for all you’ve been doing for Bucky. He was in such a bad place when we found him, but since we came here and you two started hanging out together he’s been getting better day by day. It's almost a miracle, to see him so happy and enthusiastic about stuff again. Even if that stuff is getting dead drunk with you and barking at the elevator on all fours.

 

9-  
Boys, Miley Cyrus is NOT a good reference on how to help re-construction workers.

 

10-  
Tony, Can you please fly to the roof and ask Bucky to stop making pigeon noises? Or at least make him drop the megaphone? Thanks.

 

11-  
Guys, you know “but Doom does it all the time” is not an acceptable excuse in any existent way, right?

  

12-  
Bucky, stop hiding on Tony’s floor, I know that you are bisexual, I always knew in some way, I didn’t deserve that potted plant thrown at my face.

 

13-  
Tony, how many sexy nurse outfits do you exactly own?

 

14-  
Tony, tell Bucky you two are banned from movie night for a month. Please take that time to think about how responsible adult males shouldn’t throw food at each other from across the room. Specially if it’s mayonnaise.

 

15-  
That’s it. Natasha and I put you two for sale on e-bay. We don’t want you anymore.

 

16-  
I can’t believe you bough out your freedom from that Amir with lap dances. No, scratch it, I can believe that. What I can’t believe is that he also gave you two camels and one of his wives as change.

 

17-  
Tony I don’t know what you did to buy that ex-harem girl American citizenship but it’s really sweet of you to gift her with a flat in Boston and putting her through college. She’s gonna make a swell surgeon someday :)  
Maybe we should try auctioning you more. 

 

18-  
Tony, how many sexy renaissance sculptor outfits do you exactly own?

 

19-  
Guys, I’m sorry for interrupting your trip to Paris, but do you, by any chance, have anything to do with the Eiffel Tower lighting up in the shape of a male reproductive organ? It’s on CNN.

 

20-  
Tony, please get rid of those roller skates, you look ridiculous.

   
  
21-  
Tony, buying yourself and Bucky titles as nobles of Sealand doesn’t make you two European Royalty.

 

22-  
Just as a PSA — I’m getting rid of Deadpool, this is not negotiable.  

 

23-  
I’m also getting rid of the ostriches, Not negotiable either.

 

24-  
Okay, I know I probably should be traumatized about walking on you fellas doing… that, or hurt that you didn’t tell me anything, but I’m more curious about why Tony’s penis was neon pink.

 

25-  
Bucky, why are you the representative for Russia in the next UN meeting? You are not even Russian.

  
  
26-  
No guys, I’m not going to sleep with you two.

 

27-  
Fury isn’t going to sleep with you either.

  
  
28-  
Stop offering avengers memberships to strippers. Yes, I know their body strength and flexibility is admirable, but I really shouldn’t have to explain to you why we can’t do that.

  

29-  
Please release Clint and return him to Natasha at your earliest convenience.

 

30-  
Bucky, figure out the difference between the “missiles out” and the “dildo out” settings on your arm before the next battle or so help me god...

 

31-  
Please, apologise to the Icelandic government as soon as possible.

 

32-  
Tony, reading bits of your favorite winteriron fanfiction during the press conference wasn’t quite the kind of advertisement we needed to project.

 

33-  
Stark, Barnes, please see me in my office immediately. (Yes, I had to borrow an office just to say that. Do you get how angry I am right now? You better do.)

 

34-  
Bucky why do I have the feeling that you moved out of our floor?

  
35-  
Fellas, of you could, by any chance, stop having sex in the middle of hallwalls, we all would be really grateful.  
  
  
36-  
Tony, Buck. Bad Harry Potter fanfiction is hardly the “classic midgardian literature” Thor asked you about, don’t you think? Now half of Asgard is reading My Immortal...

  
  
37-  
Okay, look I’m sorry we didn’t realize you’ve been kidnapped for two weeks. But on the other hand they threw you out because you wouldn’t stop having really kinky sex in the holding cell so no harm done, right?

 

38-  
Tony, why is there a family of squirrels in the dishwasher?  
  
  
39-  
_So… much… glitter._ **  
**  
  
40-  
Congratulations on the engagement! I’m so so happy for you both! Bucky, your mom would be so proud too. Everything you accomplished and overcame and only became stronger and found a love as pure as a fairytale! I’m so happy for you, and when you’re both done celebrating we are going to have a party with everyone else. There will be cake! I love you both!

 

41-  
Guys, you’re adorable, seeing you restores my faith in humanity and the power of love :’D

   
  
42-  
You fellas know I don’t swear often, but FUCK YOU

  
  
43-  
LEAVE SAM ALONE YOU SINNERS I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR BEHINDS ALL THE WAY TO SODOM AND GOMORRAH IF YOU EVEN TOUCH WITH YOUR DIRTY HANDS ONE HAIR IN ANY PLACE OTHER THAN HIS HEAD RELEASE HIM HES INNOCENT HES PURE-

 

44-  
Thank you, idiots. I’m never ever eating salmon again.

  
45-  
Nat says that you broke Tumblr with your earlier stunt. Whatever that means.

46-  
Em… Scott Said to send this message to five of my friends in less than ten minutes or my mom’s soul will go to hell. I ain’t riskin’ it.    
  
  
47-  
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LOST SAM IN THE STRIP CLUB? WHY WAS HE WITH YOU AT A STRIP CLUB?

 

48-  
Guys, the “runaway groom/bride” chiché is only dramatic if you don’t run away together on your wedding day, get drunk and married to each other in a north-pole themed chapel in Vegas by a Kenyan Elvis and then pass out on a poker table half naked.

It’s certainly not cute for everyone who spent eight months organizing your perfect wedding.

 

49-  
Tony, dressing up in a cocktail dress and running around Europe claiming to be Conchita Wurst isn’t doing anything to placate Pepper’s ire, or mine for that matter. We _will_ catch you, and you will pay for the wedding stunt.

PS: Bucky stop using so much make-up, you look like a cheap bodybuilder prostitute.

 

50-  
Stop crying, you are grown men, and Natasha hasn't even had her turn yet.

 

51-  
Tony, how many sexy screwdriver outfits do you exactly own?

   
  
  
52-  
Tony I know it’s you naked in the middle of the times square, I can see you on the news. WAIT BUCKY STOP YOU ARE GONNA BREAK SOMETHING RUNNING IN THESE HEELS!!

  
53-  
Okay, I’m going to ignore that conversation I heard the other day if you show me those photos of teenage Sam you were talking about.  
  
  
  
54-  
Fellas, you are a married couple now. Please, behave.  

  
  
55-  
Good job today on the field. Rest up, you deserve it.

 

56-  
Bucky, I know you had a vibrator up your butt today all day. You kept moaning at random and we _all_ your hear the buzz.

  
  
57-  
“I did it for Mother Britain” isn’t a good justification for your actions. And neither of you is British!

 

58-  
Please, return that child to where it came from.

 

59-  
Guys why are there a couple of rabbits on the kitchen counter? They are copulating…

  
60-  
*hiccup* I love you fellas, you are… are my beeest friends in the whole world. Bucky I’m sooo happy to have you back and Tony your amazing *hiccup* don’t let aaaanyone eeeever tell you therwise *ji ji ji ji* Thank you for being my firendoos and not forgetting about meeee I woudl give my liiife,leaf, loaf, for you. AAaanad that asgardian juice Thor brough is amaaazing like sweet sweet sweet, he says I’m drunk but I’m so fine I’m wine I feel grate. I’m cheese. *hiccup*

 

61-  
Tony, congratulations on your Time magazine “Person of the year” cover. Also on your cosmopolitan’s “butt of the year” cover.

 

62-  
Scuba -diving  was fun. Next time though, Bucky please refrain from punching fish in the face.

 

63-  
Yoda is not real.

 

64-  
Guys, not that your goal to have a threesome (or moresome) with at least one person from every nationality isn’t admirable, but aren’t you getting a little bit stuck on Azerbaijan? There are at least twelve darts on the map over it.

 

65-  
PLEASE CLEAR OUT THE COMMON ROOM OF STRIPPERS

 

66-  
Bucky, please stop trying to kill the people that say mean stuff against Tony. He’s a big boy, he can handle himself.

  
67-  
Bucky, I walked on you two way too many times, I know exactly how much of a “big boy” he is, STOP SENDING ME PHOTOS, PLEASE.

  
68-  
Boys, is there a reason why your collection of floggers is resting on the common floor table?

   
  
69-  
Thor will be taking you two to Asgard over my dead body, so stop bugging him. Yes, I AM embarrassed of you.

   
70-  
Tony, how many sexy pokemon outfits do you exactly own?

   
  
71-  
Hey Buck. I’m still on the mission, we are trailing after Crossbones, there’s a good chance he’ll lead us to the location of a major Hydra base. How is Tony? I know Helen said he would be better than new after the nanities finished doing their job, but we are all worried. And I’m worried about you.  
Take care of him, but of yourself too. Don’t forget that he will be really upset if you forego your own well being by refusing to letting go of his hand to even feed yourself.

Natasha is sending her regards too.

We love you. Hang in there.

 

72-  
Bucky, you can’t be pregnant, you are male. Maybe stop eating so much questionable sushi and you won’t be throwing up every day.

 

73-  
I didn’t need to see that.

  
74-  
Taiwan didn’t need to see that either.

 

75-  
Boys, JARVIS said you went to Boston to visit Farah. Say hi to her for me, and remember that if you are caught on camera again drunk and singing let it go while dressed up as Anna and Elsa I’ll put you on time out again :)

(No making out either. The incest implications are almost worse than Bucky’s fake bosom in that sparkly dress.)

 

76-  
MY EYES

 

77-  
Gay people aren’t ruining the sanctity of marriage. You two are.

 

78-  
I can’t believe you spent Valentine’s day just cuddling on the couch and nuzzling like a couple of grandpas. No wild sexcapades, no crossdressing, no drunken scandals. I’m happy you are finally getting on the good track :)

 

79-  
I hate crustaceans.

  
80-  
I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID THE LAST WEEK. THE POPE JUST CALLED WHAT THE HECK DID YOU TWO DONE IN THE VATICAN AND TONY WHY IS A VIDEO OF BUCKY FINGERING YOU WHILE DRESSED UP AS NUNS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COLISEUM STILL GOING VIRAL YOU ARE A HACKER TAKE IT DOWN FOR EVERYTHING THAT’S DEAR OR YOU ARE OUT OF THE TEAM FOR AS LONG AS I KEEP BREATHING!!!

   
81-  
Yes, I know that nobody says “hacker” anymore.

  
82-  
Bucky, it’s been weeks, stop giving me the cold shoulder because I “fucked up your chances for Tony to be your new first time”. You were de-aged and technically sixteen. You didn’t know who he was or where you were. It would have been awfully immoral of him to touch you and he knows it, my warning was just an unnecessary formality.

  

83-  
Tony, when I said "HYDRA will pay" I didn't mean that you should literally sue them. I can't believe they have to actually pay four billion dollars due to tax evasion. 

  
84-  
Stop kidnapping children just because nobody will entrust you with your own. Go adopt a dog.

  
85-  
I said _A_ dog. Return at least forty three of them immediately!!

 

86-  
Bucky, why I am hearing now that you legally changed your name to James Buchanan Stark?

  
  
87-  
Congratulations on your anniversary! I’m proud of you. Now could you please lower the volume of your celebrations? It sounds like somebody is getting murdered on your floor.

 

88-  
The new couch on the communal floor is really nice Tony. I don’t know what you did to the old one but thank you for replacing it. It’s really comfy.   
Wait. Nat just told me what happened to the old couch...

 

89-  
I just had a dream where my past self came to see me and I told him everything that he'll life through, and he believed everything except for Bucky getting married to a half-Italian. He did believe tho that Bucky would wear a corset. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to tell me. 

  
90-  
DID YOU JUST CALL ME A SLUT? REALLY TONY? YOU? YOU OF ALL PEOPLE?

  
91-  
Tony, Pepper says you can't buy that company. 

  
  
  
92-  
...

  
93-  
.........

  
  
94-  
Stop trying to blame Richards Tony, I know it was you.  

 

95-  
No, I will not let you do that. ARE YOU NUTS????? 

 

96-  
Now, enjoy the hospital, I knew this would be a terrible idea. But do people listen to me? No, of course not. You are both like a couple of crazy bulls and I'm a spineless cactus.

  
97-  
Bruce called from India. He says hi. He also _accidentally_ saw your sex-tape and wants to express his admiration for Bucky's flexibility. 

 

98-  
Life is like a box of chocolates - It punches you in the teeth when you are least expecting it. 

 

99-  
I think Clint stole your dog.  

   
100-  
Tony, how many sexy artichoke outfits do you exactly own?

 

101-  
And here I was, naively thinking that the days of coming home and finding it full of strippers and you two in the middle of an orgy with seven prostitutes were over.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Which was your favorite?
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [Please visit my Tumblr for more of my stupidity <3](http://fakesheep-luna.tumblr.com)


End file.
